Today it seems is a day for what I call ‘racing anxiety’ – nothing to do with running but just the way my brain works. A little bit of anxiety starts off when I try and concentrate and then the more I concentrate to get past the anxiety, the bigger the anxiety becomes and so on, racing faster and faster until I just have to stop and close my eyes and take slow deep breaths to stop the spinning.
It's very exhausting - I feel I haven't done that much today but absolutely shattered nonetheless.
Today is an anxiety day it seems. With a depression day, it means you don’t do anything much but that’s okay because you don’t feel the need to! But with anxiety, you try to do something and really want to, but the anxiety tries to stop you.
Classic line for those that have never experienced it is “it’s not real, just remember and tell yourself that” but actually it is real – okay so I understand that just standing in the kitchen trying to make some breakfast is not something that is most likely dangerous, but that’s not the ‘real’ bit. The ‘real’ bit is standing in the kitchen trying to make some breakfast whilst your entire body goes into danger mode. Alas the brain is not very good at telling the difference between ‘real’ and ‘not real’ fear.
Did manage to walk the couple of minutes to the local post box and back though.
I don't know if it is the 'birthday' or not, but I've been in quite a low for the last few days. Struggling to wake and to eat (at least eating less means venturing out to get food less). It's also been very hot and although I used to love hot days, for some reason I know struggle with them. Perhaps it's the feeling that it's a 'lovely day' so I 'should' go out and enjoy it.
At this point (since this is the first entry and I haven't yet managed to write the 'summary of things before now') I should mention that overall my bad days seem to last for shorter periods and occur less frequently than they were 6 months ago, and I'm sort of managing to be gentle on myself and know that the bad days will eventually pass.
It’s come to my realisation recently just how long I’ve been disconnected from everyone & everything.
Me being me, I’ve decided to try a ‘technical’ way to start connecting again and my aim is to use this blog to let people know how I’m doing and how my ‘mood’ is.